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A story: Tommy’s Journey
I had an interesting conversation last night with someone who is very very close to me. What I had divulged was not something easy for me to say out loud. It was something that I’ve always carried with me for a very long time and. I am unable to say how long I have had these thoughts. But nevertheless, I said it anyway.
I have always known that I was wired a little differently than everybody else. That is just part of who I am. It is what makes me… Me.
My friend, and I had a rather delicate discussion about my thoughts and leanings. I don’t think she fully understands how my brain works and is wired. I don’t see things and people like a normal person would.
I have mostly followed down a traditional path. For the most part, it has worked out for me quite well. I am currently with someone who is my partner, my co-conspirator, the person who helps me and allows me to be me. The only problem with this is that I cannot show my partner the side of me. The side of me that has no problem being part of what most would consider an alternate lifestyle.
I have always been of the idea that if the opportunity presented itself where I might be so inclined to participate, or engage in something like that, I would not be opposed to it, nor would I immediately back down from it. The only question is, to what extent what I go through with it. I know it sounds like I’m beating around the bush and not just coming out and saying it, but I will allow you to read it to connect the dots.
More and more I am inclined to start reaching out to the alternative lifestyle community to see if it’s something that I am comfortable with. I am almost positive that not only is this something that I would be comfortable with, I firmly believe with 100% surety, that I would truly enjoy it, and find a level of peace and acceptance. I think the only downside of this is that I cannot relay this information to my partner. It just won’t be understood like that.
That being said, what should I do?
I am just as comfortable not acting on it and living with the regrets of “what if”, because I do understand the consequences that go with that decision, as I am acting on those thoughts and feelings.
I believe it is fear that prevents me from actively pushing on this.
I used to have a person that allowed me to indulge in some of those things that I have feelings on. I no longer have that person. I genuinely miss that person. And I know that they are aware of how I feel about them.
I would like to theorize that every once, in a great while, not only, are you presents with one person who fits you well, but you are also great with another person who did seem well in ways you were not aware of.
Maybe I’ll talk to a couple more people about it. But that’s a discussion left for another day.
let’s see where this road goes. Shall we?
