Much Too Deep

You know, I’ve been given to thinking about things a bit more and trying to see things a different way.  But sometimes, I come across something that quietly reminds me of who I am and how I should take things.

I have been told and have done some reading on this and I don’t want it to be true sometimes, but I have to remember that I would not be who I am if this were not the case.

What I notice is that I really fight the fact that I tend to feel things pretty damned deeply.  I do not want to but I do.

Friendship means a lot to me it seems in all its forms.  The variable in all friendships is the people that interact with each other.  Maybe I am seeing this incorrectly, but there seems to be a common theme in all of my friendships and the interactions therein.

It seems at some point, I get pushed away by everyone.  For whatever the reason, I get pushed away and not told why this is occurring.  That really sucks.  What makes it worse is that the level of honesty falls through the floor.

I actually had some strong recurring dreams that in the end everyone I ever knoew and had interactions with will leave and I will be alone.  What is scary about this is that I seem to be just fine with it.

Sometimes I find out why, later on down the road.  I am often told “I did not know how to tell you without hurting you.”  This recurring theme would suggest that my feelings would be hurt by this.

Here is where it gets sad:  I often try to tell people not to worry about it.  It might hurt and be bothersome for a time but at least the level of honesty was preserved.

Unfortunately, this is almost never the case.

It is at this point I should say that I could really use a friend…  How about it Dad?  You know I miss you and I could use a reassuring hand on my shoulder.  Don’t you think?

~Ryzyn~