What in the world have I done??!?!!

How has it come to pass that I manage to find myself in the situations I find myself in. It really does not make a whole lot of sense to me. Just when it seems that I am putting myself in a position where I can really take control of my life and do some good, I somehow find a way to sabotage all the work and effort I put into what it was I was doing. Here, is where an effort is made to look beyond oneself and seek out the root of why things tend to blow up in my face!

The sad part here is that whenever it happens, it never fails that I am somehow surprised about the results of my actions and the words I choose that surround said actions. It is exactly like sticking your hand in an open flame and burning yourself. Once you do that you immediately realize several things:

A)It really hurts! (after all you just stuck your hand in an open flame)
B)Your brain recognizes the type of external stimulus as completely and utterly unwarranted and immediately seeks to find ways to heal the burn and store said memory for future reference.
The reason for this is simple: Your brain will instantly tell the rest of the body that this is an action that under no circumstances should ever be repeated for any reason whatsoever!
C)Naturally you place your entire person and your (now burnt) hand a safe distance away from the open flame.

This is information that quickly processed, assimilated as good knowledge and subsequently applied as a rule... Of course that is what happens in a normal brain from a (clinically speaking) normal human being. This is information that is processed by the youngest of children and immediately applied as learned behavior.

Now lets take a look at the same situation; with say – A brain that is seemingly normal, but apparently lacks the ability to retain positive/negative end result stimulus... Shall we?

Hand goes into the fire (the reason here is unimportant as we are looking towards the end result)
It really hurts! (seems to be just like the one listed above... huh?)
Your brain recognizes the type of external stimulus as completely and utterly unwarranted and immediately seeks to find ways to heal the burn and store said memory for future reference.
The reason for this is simple: Your brain will instantly tell the rest of the body that this is an action that under no circumstances should ever be repeated for any reason whatsoever! (hey... That looks exactly like (B) from above does it not?)

So far, everything appears to be looking the same as the previous (letter) bulleted list would you agree? Now this is where it gets interesting. We are now at the point where the brain deliberately sabotages itself, yet being completely cognizant of what just happened.

Instead of the brains logical progression indicated in bullet “C”, you look completely astonished at the chain of events that has now left you with a slightly burnt hand.
Instead of moving away to a slightly safer distance, you somehow manage to convince yourself that it might be a good idea to perform one of the two actions (really there is no other choice you give yourself)
1.Stick the same (yet slightly burnt) hand back into the fire – Or...
2.Feeling that the other hand clearly has not seen enough action you stick that one into the awaiting open flame.

Here is the punchline on this:

There you are screaming like an idiot (well... because you are) whilst inflicting major (and possibly debilitating) damage to yourself and for whatever reason, your own brain has you duped into believing that you have no earthly idea why this has occurred?

Any person witnessing this less than amazing strewn together events will think that the other individual would not be even qualified for “Village Idiot”. The reason for this is that a village idiot knows what he is and in acceptance of that fact. This on the other hand lives in the middle of the land of the absurd in the county of buffoonery.

Back to the real world –

But this is exactly what I have done to myself for well over twenty years. It really does hurt. In addition, for well over twenty years I have managed to continue to repeat the same set of behavior patterns that I now believe has done egregious amounts of damage and heaped ridiculous levels of strife with copious amounts of bad judgment. This is just plain stupid as far as I am concerned.

Now you might be looking at this and wondering – “why are you beating yourself up like this?”... You do not have to do that.

Several items should be noted here:

1.I am not “beating myself up” I am merely stating fact. If you knew my life you would see that this would be an accurate (albeit slightly oversimplified) description of what I am doing or have done to myself.
2.I am also accepting responsibility on my part for the judgments (good, bad, indifferent), the words I have chosen to use and how they are used and taken by myself and others around me and for the actions that I have enacted (good, bad, none) that garnered the results that they did.
3.The weight of all this is not only shouldered by me alone. I had help making me the way that I am.

All that being said, one can conclude that I am an aggregate of all that I have done, seen and been taught.

Funny thing is that the last two (seen, been taught) in the previous statement actually lead to the first (have done). The sad thing is that ultimately I never took the opportunity to utilize the tools that led to all of this. I was not taught to recognize them. Though when I was a teenager, I had them right in front of me and I “chose” not to use them.

Why you ask?

It is because I was never allowed to fall flat on my face and fail. Because I was not allowed to fall on my keister, I did not know what it was to have to get back up and continue on. This repetitive behavior has continued on into my now almost middle-aged years.




Looking back, I have seen what the cost of my mistakes has been:

Lack of career determination
Failure in some of the aspects of my career
Failure in relationships
Laziness
Careless attitude towards others
Lack of honesty with self and those around me
Not paying attention (physically, emotionally and mentally)
Looking to avoid responsibility and accountability

All this... To top it off I have given some of these most detestable traits to my own child.

For this, I am truly sorry! I have no excuse for this.

This statement is directed to all Fathers!!!

Whether you wish to admit it or not, when your child look at you this is what they know... For these things all children know them to be irrefutable truths.

All Fathers are:

1.Indestructible
2.Immortal
3.Bulletproof

This is how your children see you. How do I know this? Easy... This is how I saw My own father. The reality is that children know that everyone has flaws.. Guess what? They just do not care about the small things like flaws and shortcomings.

If I do not get my act together and find a cure for my “cranial-rectilitis” (add your own euphemism if you like), I will have thoroughly and completely failed my own child. It is not fair!

Take this as you will... I already have!

Peace out,

Ryzynforce