Tommy’s travails: A Story

A story: Tommy’s Journey 

 I had an interesting conversation last night with someone who is very very close to me. What I had divulged was not something easy for me to say out loud. It was something that I’ve always carried with me for a very long time and. I am unable to say how long I have had these thoughts. But nevertheless, I said it anyway.

I have always known that I was wired a little differently than everybody else. That is just part of who I am. It is what makes me… Me. 

My friend, and I had a rather delicate discussion about my thoughts and leanings. I don’t think she fully understands how my brain works and is wired. I don’t see things and people like a normal person would. 

I have mostly followed down a traditional path. For the most part, it has worked out for me quite well. I am currently with someone who is my partner, my co-conspirator, the person who helps me and allows me to be me. The only problem with this is that I cannot show my partner the side of me. The side of me that has no problem being part of what most would consider an alternate lifestyle.

I have always been of the idea that if the opportunity presented itself where I might be so inclined to participate, or engage in something like that, I would not be opposed to it, nor would I immediately back down from it. The only question is, to what extent what I go through with it. I know it sounds like I’m beating around the bush and not just coming out and saying it, but I will allow you to read it to connect the dots. 

More and more I am inclined to start reaching out to the alternative lifestyle community to see if it’s something that I am comfortable with. I am almost positive that not only is this something that I would be comfortable with, I firmly believe with 100% surety, that I would truly enjoy it, and find a level of peace and acceptance. I think the only downside of this is that I cannot relay this information to my partner. It just won’t be understood like that. 

That being said, what should I do? 

I am just as comfortable not acting on it and living with the regrets of “what if”, because I do understand the consequences that go with that decision, as I am acting on those thoughts and feelings.

I believe it is fear that prevents me from actively pushing on this.

I used to have a person that allowed me to indulge in some of those things that I have feelings on. I no longer have that person. I genuinely miss that person. And I know that they are aware of how I feel about them.

I would like to theorize that every once, in a great while, not only, are you presents with one person who fits you well, but you are also great with another person who did seem well in ways you were not aware of. 

Maybe I’ll talk to a couple more people about it. But that’s a discussion left for another day.

let’s see where this road goes. Shall we?

Bothering Me.

I really don't like when people put a wrench in my day.

Why do I have to be followed around my house being scolded for other people's issues?

Much Too Deep

You know, I’ve been given to thinking about things a bit more and trying to see things a different way.  But sometimes, I come across something that quietly reminds me of who I am and how I should take things.

I have been told and have done some reading on this and I don’t want it to be true sometimes, but I have to remember that I would not be who I am if this were not the case.

What I notice is that I really fight the fact that I tend to feel things pretty damned deeply.  I do not want to but I do.

Friendship means a lot to me it seems in all its forms.  The variable in all friendships is the people that interact with each other.  Maybe I am seeing this incorrectly, but there seems to be a common theme in all of my friendships and the interactions therein.

It seems at some point, I get pushed away by everyone.  For whatever the reason, I get pushed away and not told why this is occurring.  That really sucks.  What makes it worse is that the level of honesty falls through the floor.

I actually had some strong recurring dreams that in the end everyone I ever knoew and had interactions with will leave and I will be alone.  What is scary about this is that I seem to be just fine with it.

Sometimes I find out why, later on down the road.  I am often told “I did not know how to tell you without hurting you.”  This recurring theme would suggest that my feelings would be hurt by this.

Here is where it gets sad:  I often try to tell people not to worry about it.  It might hurt and be bothersome for a time but at least the level of honesty was preserved.

Unfortunately, this is almost never the case.

It is at this point I should say that I could really use a friend…  How about it Dad?  You know I miss you and I could use a reassuring hand on my shoulder.  Don’t you think?

~Ryzyn~

A Single Moment - Before The End Of A Dream

As I walk across the fields, I take in the openness of the moors.  This place.  It gives rise to remembrance.  A memory so clear and vivid, it seemed like only moments ago.

Were that I able to describe the entire event, it would take lifetimes.  To do it justice, I would give every detail, every point, every nuance.  Therefore, I cannot.

But...  I can, however, give you a glimpse.  A moment.  A paltry, few ticks on the hands of clock.

Yes!  This moment is what I shall present to you.  A small gift.  A reward as such, for your hearing the ramblings of a soul happily lost in that moment, never to return.  Listen...

And in that closeness that I saw

Such great countenance - Struck with awe

Grace and elegance, I was touched with fear

The likes of which when death comes near

But oh that touch, that sight, I'd not release

For in that moment, I've known true peace

To be lost forever, to not turn back

To the edge!  The edge.  Into the black

The colors, the light, the beauty the sight

To throw it away.  Yes.  All for this night

Closer, approaching and nearer still

I shall not rush.  I'll not lose my will

That hue, that hue.  That jade like hue

What hides behind - I'd gain a clue

Closer still, this dance erupts

Till silent breathing interrupts

Snatched back to the world mundane

But to the fore I stand constrained

The moment closing, a gasp a sigh

The caress of lips...  The moment has died...

You see?  It seemed as if only moments ago.  But it was many lifetimes ago.  I pray you listen again, another day, another time. 

Fond memories have a way of lighting up the dark.  Even when you cannot see.  A simple thought to express a grin can expel even the heaviest of mists.  Even for a moment.

Ahh.  But a moment within a remembrance so bright such as this can lead even the most lost of souls back home.

Can your smartphone get here?

This is just a little something I would like to show to you. You see, I like to do different things and I want to showcase some of what I do. So if you smart-phone can read this you can take a look at some of my other interests.

Enjoy,

Ryzyn

Another Story

Here is another story that I have come across in my travels and travails:

I do not know when it happened nor do I know what triggered it. All I know is that all of a sudden it hit me. Really hard! To say it was like getting kicked in the chest by a really pissed off horse would be the closest thing I could come to this feeling that was coursing through me. The next thing I know I found myself being twisted around my own thoughts. The problem with this was that I could not get hold of not one tangible shred of clarity. Attempt after failed attempt, trying to get hold of one clear thought that would allow me to remain sane and coherent, just long enough for me to get home and sleep it off.

I could not believe it... I was clearly losing control and there was conversation going on in the vehicle that I just so happened to be riding in.

It seems that we (my friends and I) were just driving back from the movie theater. We were headed back to the parking lot where our respective vehicles were kept. It seems that we decided to carpool to the theater with "G-Man" (well that is what I called him). We were talking about how bad the movie we just saw was. I mean it was awful (I would give the name of the movie here; however, I do not believe it is even worth mentioning.)! That is when it began. Like I said earlier, I have no earthly clue as to what triggered these feelings. But there they were... Just sitting there waiting for me. Just aching to cause me grief. Feeling the need to test me. I was not ready.

So as I was saying before -- I was trying to get hold of a tangible though when I began to realize that my own brain was working against me:

It was as if the logical side of my brain was trying to get out because the creative center was apparently throwing an all night rave... In my Skull!

So there I was staring off outside of the window just feeling nothing but pain. For whatever reason, I began to lash out and strike at nothing. That is when Vicky, Genelle and Karen all noticed that I had stopped talking.

I must explain. When we are all together, it is I who becomes the life of the party. Willing to do what needs to be done in order to have a good time. That's me! Always there with a funny anecdote or a funny joke or quip about something. I liked it. It suited me.

So when Genelle, who was right next to me saw that I was turned away from the others in the group, she became concerned...

Part Two coming later...

OK... Now What?

Hi there again. I have been working my butt off, both at work and at the gym. I am seeing a pay-off on the work I am doing at the gym. Went to the doctor the other day and she had me jump on the scale (ewwww!!). I had gained weight??!?! What? GAINED! This cannot be. Ahh... But it is. It seems that the weight I am actually putting on is in fact muscle mass. This is really cool. The doctor even indicated that I look much thinner now than in my previous visits. This is great. That made me feel quite good to be recognized for that. I would like to take the opportunity right now to thank the FFwWO organization. If I continue on the path that I am currently on right now, I will not be able to stay on the organization as it's primary member and founder. I believe a few more weeks on the current workout routine and I might just have to buy all new clothing. I think I will be soon listing the basics of my routine, just in case anyone reading this would like to follow. It is not that hard and far cheaper than gastric-cosmetic surgery don't you think?

Well here it is, July of 2010 big deal! So far I am not that impressed. I am either working or working out that is my life right now. Not really all that impressive. Another update coming soon... In the meantime think about this:


Why do we do it?...